Show your friends you’re a true gamer as the gridiron clichés fly.
In the spirit of the pending, deeply faith-based, seasonal holiday rituals — by this of course we refer to the football “bowl season” — we offer here for any newbs a handy clip ’n save list of TV talking-head-invented gridiron clichés (English professors, please look away):
“Physicality:” Using one’s body, as in “He’s showing some real physicality right there.” (As opposed to “metaphysicality,” the presumably far-less-effective technique of flummoxing one’s opponent through sheer mind power.)
“In space:” In an uncongested area of the field. As in, “He’s as good as it gets when you can get him in space.”
“Want-to:”Desire/motivation. (Brock Huard special edition). “That was all want-to right there!” Proposed counter term: “Nuh-uh,” as in, “Did you see Doug Baldwin step out of bounds right there, instead of taking the hit? That was all nuh-uh.”
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“Length:” Height / reach. “That receiver’s got a lot of length.” Still unclear if converts to “width” when player falls down.
“To the house:” Taking ball to the end zone. No idea where the house was, when it was torn down, whether it was properly zoned or insured, nor how the end zone as we know it today resulted from this action. (Local Ballard derivative: “To the Apodment.”)
“Got his bell rung” or, “a little banged-up:” Sustained a possibly permanent brain injury. Often a result of displaying undue want-to in space before colliding with an opposing player of great length, exercising extreme physicality.
“Difference-maker:” One who makes a difference, as opposed to a player who spends the entire game never contacting opposing players, thus failing to influence the game outcome in any way.
“Under review:” A football play being examined, re-examined, re-re-examined — and then, invariably, incorrectly interpreted — by five headset-wearing chimpanzees in a New York studio, in the process creating in an interminable, soul-crushing game delay, conveniently providing an opportunity for another 14 consecutive Mazda commercials.
“Broke the plane:” Waved nose of football within several yards of an imaginary pane emanating skyward from the goal line, but existing nowhere else on the field, or the natural world.
“Bowl-eligible:” Special team status earned by winning three games, or by beating Portland State Community College. Wait, scratch that …
Other Tyson Foods Fecal Soup Bowl highlights:
Speaking of Bell Ringing: It was most entertaining to watch WSU Coach Mike Leach repeat this week his fanciful belief that even acknowledging, in general terms, player injuries would be a violation of federal HIPAA patient-privacy rules — which clearly don’t apply to football coaches.
Next Week: Leach, in his usual patently offensive way, will claim that allowing reporters into top-secret practices constitutes a violation of the Geneva Conventions.
Barefoot Banditry: Looks like Hollywood is going to cover the restitution fees for that little burglar-meister, Colton Harris-Moore. Hope they throw in enough extra scratch to keep his pauper attorney, John Henry Browne, in vanilla-wafer suits.
And Finally, In a Corporate Entertainment Galaxy Not Far Away: Movie theaters are pulling out all the stops — including souvenir packages and novelty drinks — to lure older viewers to the new “Star Wars” film. How about a set of 3-D glasses with a built-in shame hood for 50-year-old dudes with no kids standing in line for midnight openers?