The Wrap by Ron Judd
We have to wonder if this guy has really thought his plan all the way through.
Charles Baird, an Anchorage filmmaker, plans to cloister himself away from all humanity for a full year, living in a 12-by-12 shack on mostly uninhabited Latouche Island in Prince William Sound.
He’ll live off the land (assuming it does not first live off him), allowing himself to send out short messages via a satellite uplink to a Facebook page (www.facebook.com/AlaskanPioneer), while receiving no incoming communication.
Sounds sort of cool. But Mr. Wrap, who has spent short bits of time alone in the wilderness himself, would like to suggest that, in the interest of prepping for the inevitable Tom-Hanks-conversing-with-a-volleyball madness, Baird take a few short trial runs first.
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He might consider scheduling some daylong immersions in an exceptionally depressing place, devoid of any and all human activity, or stimulus of any form.
Like a Tuesday night in any box seat at Safeco Field.
Speaking of Garlic Fries:
Hang Time: Time magazine caused a stir last week with a magazine cover photo of a large toddler standing on a stool, nursing from his mother. We’re not saying it was an example of weaning failure, but we’re pretty sure we saw that kid nursing a Manhattan at 13 Coins last week.
Tuna-Can Luxury: Alaska Airlines will add an extra inch of leg room between seats of its new 737s. Mr. Wrap, not one to hold grudges, appreciates the gesture, even if it is literally the least the airline could do to remediate decades of knowing and willing physical torture.
Attention, Contractors: Could you get going on the replacement for the south grandstand at Husky Stadium, already? Feels like we’re walking around with one missing eyebrow.
Big Box Bonanza: Costco says it wants to boost online sales to supplement its already booming warehouse-store business. Great idea. Here’s another: How about requiring invasive Canadians to buy all their stuff that way? Multiple problems solved.
Love Hertz: SeaTac Airport is poised to open its shiny new $400 million rental-car facility Thursday. Man. Hope they took out the overpriced extra liability insurance on that thing.
One Ringy Dingy: Americans are growing even more pessimistic about the economy, according to a new telephone survey of the last 5,000 people in the country still too clueless to screen their calls.
Last Week: Presidential (barely) hopeful Mitt Romney, R-Obamacare, said he deserves “a lot of credit” for the success of the bailed-out auto industry.
Next Week: Romney bolsters his foreign-policy credentials by describing his feeling of smug satisfaction when he single-handedly brokered the 1945 Potsdam Agreement to govern conquered Germany.
Speaking of Smug: Note to President Obama: If you’re going to drop in, wink and smile a lot, take all our money and bail that quickly, the least you could do is buy us dinner.
And BTW: Nice touch, all those America-is-a-land-of-fairness lines at that $35,800-per-couple fundraiser.
And Finally: Cancel those end-of-days parties. Newly discovered wall writings in Guatemala show Mayan calendars that extend well beyond 2012, the year of the fabled Mayan-predicted end of the world. It’s just like these scientists to keep dashing people’s hopelessness.
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org