You want our Washington state water beamed down to thirsty California? We have just the spot to tap and it comes with glowing recommendations.
Opening a secure channel to Capt. James T. Kirk:
Greetings, Shat. We realize that, by now, everyone from Astoria to Sumas already has had their smart-aleck fun with your inspired notion to save California from its own excesses, and ease its drought, by finding a way to channel excess Washington state water southward to El Lay.
Ignore all that witless banter and listen closely: The fact is, some people up here in Left Lane Camperland have been saving up water, just for this potential, for decades — a lot of it.
It’s not just regular water, either, but super-fortified H20 that’s been filtered through the various nooks and crannies of the verdant lands comprising one of America’s newest national parks.
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All yours for the taking. Call 1-866-HANFORD and ask for Joe, the Tank Farm Manager. He’ll hook you up, literally.
Oh: Act fast. New Mexico is holding on Line 2.
More neighborly assistance:
Jurassic Lark: Scientists now have complete DNA sequences for three different woolly mammoths, prompting the obvious question: Should we bring them back? Answer: Hell, yes. Seattle just happens to have zoo space for a couple foul-weather pachyderms. Imagine the promotional opportunities!
Seriously, Though: Steve O., one of Mr. Wrap’s favorite brothers-in-law, was down in drought-stricken Southern Cal last week, and sent home pics of those lifelike statues of a mammoth family stuck in the goo at La Brea Tar Pits. We considered brokering a deal: Three faux mammoths (much lower maintenance) for a couple hundred cases of Talking Rain. But we bailed once we realized Woodland Park would probably try to breed them.
Speaking of Science: Astronomers are now saying the largest single structure in the universe is a “supervoid:” an empty, spherical blob 1.8 billion light years across, “distinguished by its unusual emptiness.” A movement already is afoot to name it after former Texas Gov. Rick Perry.
The Old 777 Switcheroo Trick: United Airlines has canceled orders for 10 new 787 Dreamsmokers, opting instead for Boeing 777-300ER models. Small price to pay to avoid the McWorkforce in South Carolina.
Amicable Unmerger: Comcast-Beelzebub has called off a proposed $45 billion merger with Time Warner Cable. Mr. Wrap is unsure how to feel about this, realizing that several billion dollars of that money was his before he signed up for “Xfinity Blast!” broadband service some years ago.
U-Dubious Behavior, Part Three: Continuing to read from the Executive Manual of Boorish Behavior, some overpaid suits at Montlake sent a threatening letter to thousands of ramen-slurping grad students, proclaiming it’s illegal to go on strike when their union contract expires. Who do these U-Dub overlords think they are, the community-minded Jesuits of Seattle University?
And Finally: The Wrap welcomes to the Death-to-Left-Lane-Campers Militant Support Group a new, albeit late-arriving member, state Sen. Michael Baumgartner, R-Spoklahoma, who has proposed legislation upping penalties for offenders. Nice thought, senator. But your own Washington State Patrol admitted on Twitter last week that a supposed 14,000 pullovers for lane-camping last year (has anyone actually witnessed one of these?) resulted in only 1,300 citations. Where’s that good old ticket-quota system when we really need it?