An old infographic from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention started making the rounds Wednesday, detailing facial hair that works with respiratory masks. Sorry big boys — bushy beards are out.

No more “Duck Tail.” Say goodbye to the “Garibaldi.” Bid adieu to the “French Fork.”

So far, there aren’t any cases of the novel coronavirus in Oregon. Also zero? The number of face masks available for purchase after the CDC announced Tuesday that Americans should get ready for the virus to spread in this country.

Also, masks aren’t likely to help you not get the virus. And this graphic is from 2017.

But that doesn’t mean that Portland men with beards they haven’t shaved since President Obama’s first term shouldn’t take immediate action.

Instead of hand sanitizer, it’s time to start stocking up on razor blades and gauze. Because it’s going to be a big, bloody mess when these hipsters reveal their faces to the world again.

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Here’s the thing: You aren’t likely to get the virus at this point, much less die from it. But things can move quickly during a global pandemic, so why not just shave now?

On the plus side, the CDC’s helpful guide has plenty of other facial hair options you can try out on your terrified and confused family, the younger members of which have never even seen your chin.

Have you ever tried the “Lampshade” or the “Zorro”? Make lemonade out of the lemons that are a global pandemic and go for something wild!

Just make sure you don’t pick a new style that’s very, very wrong. For example, the “Walrus” is great, but the “Toothbrush?” Where have we seen that before? Then there’s the “Soul Patch,” which is nearly worse for your community than becoming a vector of disease and going house to house coughing on everybody.

If it feels sad or scary to show your face to the world again, remember you will just be covering it up with a respirator! And the best part? Once panic subsides and life returns to normal, it won’t take you long to regrown your glorious “Chin Curtain” again. But this time, maybe trim it every once in a while?

Also, and I mean this sincerely, wash your hands!

©2020 The Oregonian

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