Dear Carolyn
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
DEAR CAROLYN: I got married a few years ago and ever since, my husband seems to have a waning interest in me. He has some other issues going on — trying to change careers, worried about health, general anxiety — but I and our relationship always get a back burner.
He doesn’t want to spend time with me and ignores any of my concerns because he has more important things to worry about. When I bring it up, he says he loves me and that my worry about the relationship is unfounded, and that he doesn’t want to get in an argument. But I can’t remember the last time I felt special with him or when he last wanted to spend time with me.
I’m not asking for anything special, just a dinner spent not watching TV or a day where we actually do something together. I’m wondering if I’m wasting my life on someone who has no space for me, and if maybe I should move on and make my plans separately.
— Back-Burner
DEAR BACK-BURNER: It certainly sounds possible that he’s just not interested in spending time with you, I’m sorry. His disengagement could also be a symptom of undiagnosed depression, or the anxiety talking.
Instead of “move on and make my plans separately,” though, you might try reversing that — make your plans separately and then, if necessary, move on. By that I mean, plan the dinner not watching TV, plan the thing you would like to do together, and do it — with him or without.
If he goes along, then there you have it; his mental health is likely the obstacle, and your planning it will make you and your marriage more accessible to him.
If he doesn’t go along, then commit unflinchingly to the plan B — go with a friend instead, or see the movie/performance solo, etc. This way you’ll be living more of the life you want, at least, while you figure out what’s happening in your marriage, instead of logging in another lonely dinner glued to the tube.
Plus, changing things up in this nonbinding way will likely give you a different view of what’s happening — quite literally, when your plans take you out of the house — which tends to expand comprehension. You’ve obviously stared at this problem for a long time, so now it’s time to walk away from it for a bit.
This is especially useful in response to “doesn’t want to get in an argument” claims. Regardless of how he got there, his saying this tells you he’s through discussing with you.
In fact, if that’s his answer to everything, including your assurances that you just want to talk or just want his company or just want to change things up, then it’s time to explore the possibility the marriage isn’t viable. In deference to your husband’s health issues, begin this exploration process with a therapist qualified to address whatever his ailment is. That expertise can help you sort out — in solo appointments to start — how much of your marital neglect you can reasonably attribute to his illness, how much you can’t, and how likely things are to improve with (potential) treatment. It won’t be that black-and-white, but it is a place to start.