Dear Carolyn
Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Feb. 9 and 23, 2005.
DEAR CAROLYN: “Jared” and I are recently engaged; however, we live in different states. Everyone is ecstatic about the upcoming wedding — except me. I love Jared but I think my feelings are based on other people’s opinion of us.
If everyone loves him and loves us together, why am I having doubts? I stay up late at night thinking about another man, and wondering if I would be better off with him.
Jared and I are supposed to move in together in Jared’s town but I keep delaying. Are these just premarriage jitters or is there a real problem?
— On the Fence
DEAR ON THE FENCE: If everyone were marrying Jared, these would just be premarriage jitters. But since you are the one marrying him, and the one who isn’t excited to marry him, that about defines “real problem.”
Just because a guy loves you and is equal parts Superman, George Clooney and Gandhi doesn’t mean you have to love him back. Either you feel it, or you don’t. You don’t? That’s OK. Admit it to yourself, admit it to him, forgive yourself and move on with moving on.
Here’s what’s not forgivable: Not admitting it, especially to him. How would you feel if you overheard your fiancé say to another woman, “I stay up late at night thinking about you”? You may be a great person, equal parts Eleanor Roosevelt, Mary Ann and Ginger. What Jared deserves is a woman who loves him, no doubts.
DEAR CAROLYN: A co-worker set me up with my current boyfriend, whom she used to date. Now she heckles me at the watercooler: “So, how’s your booyyyfriiend?” and “When are you getting married?” and “Has he taken you to the zoo yet?” She still has a wax elephant on her desk from one of those machines from their field trip there a year ago. She dumped him, so I am wondering what her motivation is for doing this, and if there is some way to make her stop.
I really do want to marry him someday, but I don’t really think it’s any of her business. And, where’s my wax elephant?
— J.
DEAR J.: Barely a day goes by when I don’t ask that question myself.
It could be that the real problem here is that you’ve fallen for a guy who didn’t have the sense to dump this hyena.
But you love him, flaws and all, and that’s what counts. Since you have hopes beyond the primate house, you probably should inoculate yourself against the watercooler heckling, lest there be an unfortunate watercooler-collides-with-co-worker”s-face “incident.” Two suggestions. First, there’s the grown-up, say-what-you-mean route — “You know, [Co-Worker], I’m grateful you introduced us, but the teasing is getting a little fifth grade.” Or, there’s the route that takes advantage of her behaving like a fifth grader. Her motivation, far as I can tell, is to get a rise out of you to make herself feel better, which means you can make her stop if you can stop rising.
Easiest way might be to will yourself to find the whole thing amusing, and/or make your own wax elephant.