What a tough time to be Santa! Global warming is melting the glacier out from underneath his toy shop, the elves are agitating for more...
What a tough time to be Santa! Global warming is melting the glacier out from underneath his toy shop, the elves are agitating for more “personal days” off, and the wacky weather is making it tough to get to every chimney on Earth in one night.
The least we can do is help St. Nick sort out the naughty boys and girls from the nice ones, and give him some ideas of what to slip into their stockings.
• Howard Schultz for selling the Sonics to some guys from Oklahoma. Gift: A Tully’s gift card.
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• North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, for testing nukes some fear could reach the U.S. West Coast. Gift: A haircut that doesn’t look like he’s been playing around with nuclear-generated electricity.
• The Mercer Island BlackBerry-loving driver who caused a four-car-one-bus crash on Interstate 5. Gift: A Metro pass.
• Michael Richards, aka Cosmo Kramer, for his “n-word” tirade at a Los Angeles comedy club. Gift: A magical tape recorder that lets you erase anything you say. (He can lend it to Mel “blame the Jews” Gibson and Rosie “Ching Chong” O’Donnell.)
• The Seattle Center Monorail, prone to breakdowns as it ages ungracefully. Gift: Parachutes so passengers can jump out anywhere along the line.
• Former Chief Sealth girls basketball coach Ray Willis and assistants accused of using forbidden recruiting practices, including fake apartment leases, to build the team into a powerhouse. Gift: A new book of West Seattle rent receipts.
• Britney Spears, who’s been missing a certain something in recent photos. Gift: A comfy pair of long johns.
• Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling, who just began a long prison term for fraud. Gift: A 24-year Far Side calendar.
• Cruise ship captain Periklis Petridis, whose blood-alcohol level was four times the legal limit shortly before he was to sail from Seattle. Gift: a case of O’Doul’s.
• Vice President Dick Cheney who opened the year by peppering a pal with bird shot. Gift: blanks.
• W. Atlee Burpee Co., which purchased Kingston’s beloved Heronswood Nursery in 2000, then closed it this year. Gift: Weeds in their seed packs.
• Former U.S. Rep. Mark Foley, who sent lewd e-mails to teenage pages. Gift: Airfare to Colorado for group treatment with the Rev. Ted Haggard.
• Sidney Taurel, CEO of drug giant Eli Lilly, planning to purchase Bothell-based Icos but lay off all 700 Icos employees. Gift: A heart.
• Seattle Opera set builders, who sprung into action to make doors for the damaged Seattle Center Monorail: Gift: Tool Town gift certificate.
• Mega-billionaire Warren Buffett, for giving stock worth more than $30 billion to the Gates Foundation. Gift: Our home address, in case he has a few more $$ to spare.
• Bill and Melinda Gates, whose foundation is spending billions on efforts to fight poverty and disease and improve education around the world. Gift: Same as above.
• Dan Mazur of Pierce County, who abandoned his attempt to summit Mount Everest in May to save an Australian climber. Gift: An REI gift card.
• Intiman Theatre, winning the 2006 Tony for outstanding regional theater. Gift: More wealthy patrons, with big pockets and generous hearts.
• University of Washington women’s volleyball team, last year’s national champs and contenders again this year. Gift: Shoes with 8-inch soles, and a new setter to replace graduating All-American Courtney Thompson.
• Pastor Patrinell Wright, who took her Total Experience Gospel Choir to the Gulf area to help Katrina victims and continues to seek money for reconstruction efforts. Gift: Buckets of cash.
• Jamie and Karen Moyer, for keeping their charitable foundation going in Seattle even though he was traded to Philadephia. Gift: Warren Buffett.
We’ll let Santa decide if they’re naughty or nice, but they sure need his help:
• Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels. Gift: A shovel for him to start digging a tunnel for the viaduct, because that’s the only way we can afford it.
• Gov. Christine Gregoire, who booted the viaduct choice to Seattle voters. Gift: A Magic 8-Ball to help her make tough decisions.
• Cheryl Chow, Seattle School Board president. Gift: A copy of “The Miracle Worker.” She’ll need one to sort out the school-closure mess.
• Seattle Seahawks, pitiful lately, but they did take us to our first Super Bowl in February. Gift: “Senior Moment” pills to help them remember how to win.
• Northwest power utilities, battling storm-caused outages. Gift: Glen Campbell-autographed CDs of “Wichita Lineman.”
News researcher Miyoko Wolf contributed to this report.
Jack Broom: 206-464-2222 or email@example.com