Tell your granddaughter you’re sorry she has to deal with it, a point she may already have realized, columnist Carolyn Hax says.
DEAR CAROLYN: This past weekend we (grandparents) were witness to two of the most appalling examples of poor sportsmanship and lack of self-control in recent memory, by the same opposing team coaches. While at a girls softball tournament, the coaches of said team got in the face of the umpire over a call, which is never allowed, delaying the game 30 minutes and requiring a mediator, but ending as called. Second incident involved opposing team’s request for a rain delay (denied).
Has winning at all costs become so important? If so, how sad is that, and what is that teaching these young girls? It is no longer just a game but borders on bullying.
How does a parent/grandparent explain such inexcusable behavior by adults to 12-year-olds of BOTH teams? Everyone witnessing this was stunned. Hope to hear your thoughts on this.
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DEAR FANNANA: Yes, some people lose their minds over youth sports. Yes this is terrible. Yes the kids deserve better from the adults in their lives.
But no, the multi-coach freakout you witnessed from one team over one game does not herald a new era of winning at all costs. These girls need all the adults, not just these coaches, to keep things in perspective.
Maybe a researcher keeping track of youth-sports altercations would find more per game now than in the past, and maybe he or she would be able to trace that to greater parental/societal stress or fatter athlete paychecks or the general ESPNification of our culture. I can’t speak to this.
But you say yourself these two incidents were “the most appalling … in recent memory.” Meaning, in your experience, most youth sporting events don’t cross the crazy line. (My experience, too, for what it’s worth, as long as I wear earmuffs to hockey.)
So treat this recent mayhem as an aberration. First, tell your granddaughter you’re sorry she had to deal with the coaches’ loss of perspective, and ask how she feels about it. That covers the three most important messages: No, this was not fair to the players; no, prioritizing the win over sportsmanship is not acceptable behavior; yes, she’s your top priority. Remember, the stalled game likely did its own teaching; all the girls were presumably thinking, “Shut up and let us play.”
Second, write a letter to the proper authorities: club, league, tournament organizers, local governing body of that sport, however many of these apply. Your granddaughter can do the same. You’re free to lament the decline of sport, but it’s not enough; to rein in or remove bad actors, witnesses have to speak up.
DEAR CAROLYN: My good friend starting dating an ex-boyfriend of mine whom I am still very good friends with and hang out with often. They had a turbulent relationship for four months and then he broke up with her. After the breakup, she told me how upset it made her that I still hung out with him without her. She felt I needed to choose to be her friend or his, and I thought that was ridiculous. What do you think?
– Friendship Over
DEAR FRIENDSHIP OVER: Ridiculous, unless he mistreated her. Raw feelings might have swamped her logic, though; give it time, if she lets you.