Hi, I’m Anna, and as of today, I’m your new Work Friend, taking over from the inimitable Roxane Gay, who has served New York Times readers so well — with such intelligence and generosity — for so long. (You’ll still find Roxane in the Times’ opinion section.)
A little bit about me: I’m a writer and an editor and sometimes both at the same time. I’ve been managed by bosses as well as managed employees myself (again, often at the same time). I understand the challenges and rewards of workplace collaboration and camaraderie and enjoy the solo nature of just sitting in a chair and writing and writing (or thinking about writing).
Right now, in addition to this new gig, I’m working on a book for Crown Publishers about women, power and communication. Some other biographical details: When I was in my early 30s, after working in print magazines for more than a decade, I created a website called Jezebel, which changed the trajectory of my career and changed it in ways I could have never anticipated.
As someone who has straddled workplace experiences from the late 20th century up to today, I’m interested in the American culture of work and how it has evolved. COVID changed so much, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the younger generations, who expect an unprecedented level of transparency and accountability about everything from salary to workplace environment.
I also have a little experience in the offering up of opinions about work conundrums: For a few months this year, I wrote an advice column for Bloomberg Businessweek called Sad Desk Salad, and I’m excited to bring my very strong point of view and professional expertise to Times readers.
So send me your questions, and I’ll answer them as forthrightly, as generously and even as entertainingly as possible.
Can a hunger headache be contagious?
Q: I work in public service and have been at my job for over a decade. In my office there are 10 of us; each of us carries a caseload of approximately 100 clients, and we are paired up to provide coverage when one of us is sick or on vacation. The nature of our work means that coverage is always needed, since unpredictable, urgent situations often come up.
The colleague I am paired with for coverage is often ill with headaches, stomach issues, dizziness, etc. When she is working she is often forgetful and sometimes rude.
This colleague talks very often about how she fasts each day, not consuming anything except black coffee until 5 p.m., saying it’s the best way to lose weight. I don’t want to lose weight and don’t think that weight or weight loss should be discussed in a professional setting. So I don’t feel I can say, “Hey, maybe if you ate food regularly, you wouldn’t get so many headaches.”
Is there something that I can say to my colleague or my manager that might help this situation? — Anonymous
A: You’re right. You can’t tell your colleague that if she eats more regularly, she won’t get as many headaches. Nor should you bring up weight or weight loss — at all. (I’ve been guilty of this many times in a work environment — though the comments about weight were comments about my struggles with my own.)
But you do have options.
Option 1: Go to your manager and have a frank discussion about these issues. I’m not sure you should mention your theory that your co-worker’s mood or comportment is being influenced by her food intake (or lack thereof), but you do need to resurface the issue, tell her that it is ongoing and explain how it is affecting your work. You also need to ask her to intervene directly. Oh, and be specific, not just about how these personality issues are affecting your work but what form they take and the specific complaints that clients have lodged.
Option 2: Approach your colleague directly. Don’t bring up anything about food — or weight! — but tell her that you have been getting some feedback from your clients that her demeanor has been impolite. Tell her that although you understand your work is challenging in the best of circumstances, the negative feedback continues and that you’d like to discuss some solutions.
Speaking with her may feel a lot more loaded than going to your manager. It is. You have no idea how she will respond, and if she’s as grouchy as you say she is, you have every reason to worry that she might not welcome the conversation. But it’s still important that you have it. I think it will communicate that she needs to be accountable for her behavior, and expressing that your job is being made more difficult may soften the inherent criticism behind your comments and concerns.
What’s so funny?
Q: I work with a couple of people who giggle too much. A few sentences into any conversation, they will say something that has the cadence of a witticism but usually, if you were to consider their actual words, isn’t at all. Then they crescendo into whatever hellish guffaw or chortle they are stuck with.
I’ve been trying to put my finger on what, beyond the sheer aural displeasure, bugs me about this, and I think it’s that if every conversation with these people resembles a joke, then it’s impossible to have a serious one.
Trying to lighten the mood is not the worst thing a person could do. Still, it disturbs me that they have chosen frivolity as their work persona without the sense of humor to back it up. Am I the baddie? — Eric
A: I have to admit that I find your query a bit off-putting. I’m assuming the people you’re referring to are female — I’ve never heard the word “giggle” used to describe a sound emanating from a man — in which case, I wonder whether part of the issue here is that you don’t like the way women sound when they laugh.
My dad once told me a story about a woman in a cafe who was talking very loudly to her female friend. The sound of her voice — “piercing,” I believe he called it — bugged my dad, so on his way out of the cafe, he went over to the two women. “Are you an opera singer?” he asked the loud one. Both women looked confused. “It’s just that you have such range, such projection,” he said. (That’s not a direct quote.) My dad says the loud woman smiled as if she had received a compliment. Her friend was not so naive. “He’s saying you talk loudly,” she explained.
When my dad told me this, I laughed. Then I got a little pissy. I wondered if he’d have said the same thing to a man. After all, it was rude! (Very Larry David of him.) My dad looked so hurt at the suggestion that he had been sexist.
Anyway, I’d ask you to think about this a little. Just a little. You might want to take issues of sex and gender and power into account: People have been complaining about women’s voices for decades. (Probably forever.) Is that what’s going on here? And am I the baddie for suggesting that this is the actual issue? That I don’t know, either. Maybe a giggle is just a giggle, nothing more.