If you're a musician, or thinking about becoming a musician, or thinking of thinking of becoming a musician, it is of the utmost importance...

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If you’re a musician, or thinking about becoming a musician, or thinking of thinking of becoming a musician, it is of the utmost importance that you act now.

Act now even if you’re not a musician, but you know a musician, or are thinking of knowing a musician, because you’re about to discover the ultimate birthday or graduation present. (Keeping in mind that many musicians don’t finish school, a “dropout present” also can help form a meaningful bond.)

Ask yourself: Why does one band or hip-hop act “make it big,” while millions of others founder and flounder? The name, of course; the name.

Most bands/acts struggle with finding the right name that will launch them to “MTV Cribs,” which is where my little business can be so valuable. For an incredibly, almost ridiculously modest fee, I will name your band, and then step back and watch as you rocket toward the big time.

This is audio gold, folks, and consider these band-naming services an investment — a very modest investment at that.

(Note: If there are any actual bands out there with any of the following names — if you don’t sue me, I won’t sue you!)

Special of the Month — This one won’t last at $29.99 (plus a nominal $9.99 a month):

Smoke Break.

Act now, and you can get any of these politically themed beauties — think Dead Kennedys, only more commercial — for a deeply discounted $9.99 (plus shipping and handling):

Barack and Roll

Rodham It!


Deluxe Band Name of the Month — For a reasonable $99.99 (includes lifetime rights, no monthly fees, plus free MySpace membership):

Downer Cow Buffet

From our emo bin, all only $34.99 (as an added bonus, call now and get a vegan cookbook):

Pardon My Cardigan

Ampersand & And

Lunch Box

Nice Bangs

The Nostalgians

Birthday Cupcake

At only $29.99, these punk specials won’t last!

Lefty the Butcher


Wheelchair Derby

Redundant Redundant

Stew and the Pidds

Flunk the Drunk Punk

Metal madness today starts at only $19.99 (ask about free tattoo designs):

The Anger of My Rage

Dare Ye Not Mock

Barrels of Blood, Bushels of Brains

The Slaughtering (of the Poor)

Infinite Hatred for All Forms of Life

Satan is My BFF

Hot-as-hella rapper names just in, starting at just $9.99:

Kenny tha G


Loopy Disaster


Dry Ice


Poopy Pants

Bargain-basement clearance Choose from any of the following for only $1.99, or two for $3.99:

The Times New Romans

Keith Richard’s Laugh


Accountants of Mass Deductions

The Mayor of Value Village

Molly Ringtone

Some of the better Seattle band names — and some that need work — are playing around town this week.

• Past Lives, a new band featuring former Blood Brothers Jordan Blilie, Mark Gajadhar, Morgan Henderson and Devin Welch, cranks it up for an all-ages show at Redmond’s Old Firehouse (8 tonight, $6). The experimental jazz-rock band Dead Science and Spencer Moody’s Triumph of Lethargy Skinned Alive to Death are also on this excellent bill.

Very interesting, experimental-chaotic noise stuff, and the addition of Pretty Girls Make Graves (nice!) singer Andrea Zollo is a coup, but … Spencer, we need to talk. I have Moles Voles & Trolls, priced to move.

• Speaking of Moody, a Murder City Devils-influenced band called the Whore Moans jumps off Fremont’s High Dive (9 tonight, $7). Also on the bill, Guns N Rosetti. (Guys, please. Do yourselves a favor. Call me.)

• The Showbox has some outstanding band names this weekend. Cat Power does some artful indie-rock purring (doors open at 8:30 tonight, $30; more on Cat Power, below). One of the great band names from the ’90s, Big Head Todd and the Monsters, rocks out at the Showbox (9 p.m. Saturday, $25).

• Check these out: Willie Will, Illy Wonka; Fame Rilla and Young Soprano. Real hip-hop acts, playing Chop Suey (9 p.m. Sunday, $8).

• How jealous am I of this one? Very jealous. Elf Power, an experimental indie-pop band from Athens, Ga., pops into the High Dive (9 p.m. Tuesday, $12).

Paula Maya, a talented Brazilian-American singer, plays a hometown show at the Triple Door (9 p.m. Thursday, free).

Maya, who reminds me of a certain dramatic vocalist from Iceland, is one of Seattle’s most underappreciated talents. Perhaps it’s the name?

May I suggest … P-jork.

Today only, I’m offering that one absolutely free (service charges may apply).

Tom Scanlon: tscanlon@seattletimes.com