Indianapolis Motor Speedway? It's a crash course in competitive racing. "For somebody that spent all of his life driving on road courses...

Indianapolis Motor Speedway? It’s a crash course in competitive racing.

“For somebody that spent all of his life driving on road courses where if you make a mistake you go through 30 feet of sand, then you hit a tire barrier and then a guardrail, it’s a lot different,” said ex-driver Eddie Cheever, now an ABC analyst. “You absorb the energy over a space of time. …

“It doesn’t take Einstein to understand what happens to a car and its driver when it hits the wall at 250 miles an hour.”


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• At “Guy who normally complains about the same teams being in the playoffs now complaining about Pacers and Grizzlies.”

• At “ESPN forced to lay off hundreds after Tim Tebow disappears from the NFL.”

Bridge to nowhere

An Argentinos Juniors soccer fan got so upset during the team’s fifth straight loss that he tried to give manager Ricardo Caruso Lombardi a mouthful — as in, he threw his dentures at him.

Alas, in keeping with the team’s fortunes, his throw-in missed.

Paging Allen Iverson

“A long-term study of chess players and musicians has led scientists to finally conclude practice doesn’t make perfect,” noted RJ Currie of “Wouldn’t it have been easier to just follow the Cubs?”

It’s showtime

“You’ve been a fantastic audience, let me tell ya,” the Rolling Stones’ Mick Jagger said at a Staples Center concert. “The only reason we’re here is to make the Lakers look younger!”

Talko time

• Former Magic coach Stan Van Gundy, to Orlando’s WYGM Radio, on why he hasn’t taken up Twitter: “I find plenty of other ways to get myself in trouble with what I say that I really don’t need another one.”

• Ian Hamilton of the Regina (Sask.) Leader-Post, on beleaguered Cowboys QB Tony Romo undergoing surgery to remove a cyst from his back: “Doctors report the thing was shaped like a large monkey.”

• CBS’s David Letterman, envisioning a holiday-weekend beach outing: “Nothing gives you more comfort than your lifeguard sitting in the chair texting.”

• Frankie Frisco of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, on ex-Raven Ray Lewis’ quest to climb Mount Kilimanjaro: “Apparently, (he) is serious about going out on top.”

• Vancouver (B.C.) comic Torben Rolfsen, on the Charlotte Bobcats reverting to their original Hornets nickname: “Marketing move or Witness Protection Program?”

Pass the 2 percent

Three-time Indy 500 winner Helio Castroneves told a Detroit radio station he’d give up sex for a year if he could win it again.

Introducing the Brickyard’s newest postrace tradition: a cold milk shower.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or