Third time's a charm — unless you're talking Jerry Buss. "He gave me everything I wanted," retired center Shaquille O'Neal told the...

Third time’s a charm — unless you’re talking Jerry Buss.

“He gave me everything I wanted,” retired center Shaquille O’Neal told the audience at the Laker owner’s funeral service last week. “I wanted one extension; he gave it to me.

“I wanted a second extension; he gave it to me.

“I wanted a third extension — he traded me.”

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Fair, unfair

“If bears can hibernate in the winter,” reasoned the tweet from ESPN, “you can stay inside and watch sports all season. It’s only fair.”

Then again, noted Jack Finarelli of “The president of the U.S. makes $400,000 this year to run the country. Kobe Bryant makes $27.8 million this year to run around in blue and gold underwear.”

Just a low uppercut?

Michigan State’s Derrick Nix appeared to hit Cody Zeller, Indiana’s 7-foot center, below the waist in a Big Ten basketball game last week.

“In Nix’s defense,” noted Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, “Zeller’s belt is roughly goal-post height.”


Rapper 50 Cent clumsily tried to plant a kiss on Fox-TV pit-road reporter Erin Andrews before Sunday’s Daytona 500.

Even Joe Namath was moved to utter, “Ewwwww.”

Spreading the wealth

The jersey worn by Mike Eruzione, captain of the U.S. Olympic hockey team that shocked the Russians 33 years ago, sold for $657,250 at auction last week.

If you believe in Miracle Whip, that’s about 200,000 jars’ worth.

He’s living proof

What, Eli Manning nervous about hosting “Saturday Night Live” last year?

As the Giants QB said on Dan Patrick’s radio show: “I’ve done live every Sunday for the last eight years.”

Talking the talk

• Timberwolves coach Rick Adelman, to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, when asked if he offered his GM any suggestions before last week’s NBA trade deadline: “Oh, yeah — I talked about LeBron … Kobe … “

• Dodgers Hall of Fame pitcher Sandy Koufax, to AP, on the secret to successful coaching: “You’ve got to have clay to mold. Then some guys are granite, and you have to chip at it.”

• Unbeaten UFC champ Ronda Rousey, to AP, when asked if prematch hype hampers her fight preparations: “There’s no amount of press that can save these girls from me.”

• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on the Florida Atlantic Owls selling the naming rights to their football stadium to GEO Group, which operates prisons: “Even odds on the place being nicknamed Owlcatraz.”

Racing to the store

Birds Eye recalled three of its beef-meal products in England after some chili con carne tested positive for horse DNA.

Coincidence? Grocers say the stuff was practically flying off the store shelves in Derbyshire.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or