IRS knows how to dish out real penalties

Monday, in case you’ve forgotten, is tax-return deadline day.

Just think of yourself as Tiger Woods, and the IRS is about to exact a 25-stroke penalty.

Headlines

• At SI.com, after microphones caught Tiger Woods cursing at the Masters: “You kiss Lindsey Vonn with that mouth?”

• At TheOnion.com: ” ’30 For 30′ documentary to explore historical significance of ’30 For 30′ documentaries.”

Rabid ears

Gadsden (N.M.) High School’s baseball coach plans to file a complaint after an umpire threatened to start ejecting his players if they didn’t stop speaking Spanish.

The coach, to his credit, told the ump: No Way, Jose.

Heat rave

Snippet from a Miami Herald Q&A with Heat forward Shane Battier:

Q: What is the best perk you get that is unique to playing for this particular team?

A: “I’ve never had beautiful women calling my name from the stands before. It has always been over 55 years old or 10 and under. But now it is beautiful women.”

Q: When was the last time basketball made you cry?

A: “1999. National-championship game. Losing to the University of Connecticut. Win, and we’re the greatest team in the post-Wooden era. Lose, and we’re a skid mark on the underwear of history.”

Upon further review

Yet another golfer — this time Tiger Woods — was done in by a TV-watching fan who reported his improper drop.

Imagine if baseball offered the same recourse: 3 million Cardinals fans would’ve melted Ma Bell’s switchboard ratting out Don Denkinger.

Brooms aweigh

More than 1,600 players flocked to Kissimmee, Fla., to play in the sixth annual Quidditch World Cup over the weekend, but it was just more of the same-old, same-old.

The selection committee made Hogwarts the No. 1 seed again.

Quote marks

• Steve Schrader of the Detroit Free Press, after Ohio State football players were awarded rings for their 12-0 season despite being on probation: “They look pretty nice, but no word on how many tattoos they’re worth on the secondary market.”

• Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun, on Tiger Woods’ two-stroke penalty: “Masters aside, if moving your ball is a crime on the golf course, I should be in jail by now.”

• Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the downside of having 14-year-old Tianlang Guan in the Masters field: “At the beverage cart, he always asks for Capri Sun.”

• Thomas Vonn, Lindsey’s ex, tweeting about Tiger’s improper drop: “No problem Masters tournament happy to call in and help. You always have to keep an eye on those cheaters.”

You’re out, Dad

A dad didn’t think his son was getting enough playing time in the season opener for 7- and 8-year-olds, so he pulled a .45 handgun on his kid’s baseball coach.

In keeping with the theme, it happened in Moody, Ala.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com