Sideline Chatter

Now starring in middle relief: Pepto-Bismol!

Some samples of new ballpark culinary fare this season:

D-Bat Dog, $25 (Diamondbacks): an 18-inch corndog stuffed with cheddar cheese, jalapenos and bacon, along with a side of fries.

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12-Scoop Sundae, $17 (White Sox): four scoops each of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream plus two bananas, topped with caramel, strawberry sauce, chocolate syrup, whipped cream and cherries, served in a full-sized batting helmet.

Bacon on a Stick, $7 (Rangers): a ¾-inch-thick piece of bacon, Hungarian-smoked and dipped in maple syrup.

Batter … urp.

Hoops headlines

• At “Cocky March Madness fan really regretting tattoo of his perfect bracket.”

• At “Mark from sales currently leading bracket pool.”

Hot in L.A.

The woeful Lakers somehow erupted to score a club-record 51 points in the third quarter against New York last Tuesday.

Apparently the Knicks were testing out their new Paris Hilton defense.

Stat of the Week

“Miguel Cabrera will earn $49,423 PER AT BAT over the next decade,” tweeted’s Darren Rovell of the Tiger slugger’s new $292 windfall. “Median annual income of a household in Michigan: $48,471.”

Ambassador to Mars?

Russia launched an American into space last week to link up with other astronauts aboard the International Space Station.

Alas, it wasn’t Dennis Rodman.

Marching Odors Dept.

New Philadelphia 76ers marketing slogan: March Badness.

Going for three

Effective this season, NFL players who celebrate by slam-dunking the football over the goal post will be flagged for a 15-yard penalty.

But Ndamukong Suh splitting the uprights with, say, Jay Cutler is apparently still legal.

Talko time

• Pete Thamel of, on the darling of this year’s NCAA tournament: “The No. 11 Dayton Flyers are the houseguest who won’t leave, the kind of company who lingers even after the keg is kicked, the dishes are done and the hosts are putting on their pajamas.”

• Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon (Sask.) Express, on a Northwestern professor’s claim that, by the year 2030, 90 percent of news stories will be written by computers: “Won’t it be great watching John Tortorella berate an iPad?”

• Bill Dwyre of the L.A. Times, watching Manny Pacquiao spar inside Freddie Roach’s sauna-like gym: “There is no crying in baseball and no air conditioning in boxing.”

• Janice Hough of, on Tiger Woods’ balky back putting his Augusta National in doubt: “If you thought that little boy at the Kansas-Stanford game was crying, wait until you see the Masters’ TV sponsors.”

A-Rod flies out

Lost luggage for airline passengers has dropped to a 10-year low, NBC News reported.

There went A-Rod’s last hope of losing his baggage.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or