Along with the Seahawks’ booming success comes some serious anxiety for football bandwagoners: how not to look like a fair-weather fan at Super Bowl parties. We’ve put together a few phrases to drop during game-time chatter — and maybe more important, some to avoid.
Pro tip: If you run out of crib notes, just hang back and wait until someone makes a point about the team, then say, “Yeah, but not always …” Trust me, someone will jump in to corroborate with specifics.
And remember, no matter what you say, say it with conviction.
Do say: “I don’t care if Marshawn never talks to reporters. As long as he keeps those legs churning and runs behind his blockers. Beast Mode, baby!”
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Don’t say: “The guy with the sun thing on his helmet seems kind of cranky.”
Do: “Russell hasn’t been himself for the past couple months, but that definitely leaves the Broncos open to a designed run, or at least the read-option.”
Don’t: “Which one is Russell?” (Though, there isn’t a single soul left in King County who doesn’t know who Russell Wilson is, so your fellow viewers will likely take this as sarcasm.)
Do: “With a bunch of league-minimum, late-rounders, Pete Carroll and John Schneider really put together a serious February team.”
Don’t: “Man, that guy really likes his chewing gum. Look at him. Chomp, chomp, chomp.”
Do: “I mean, it’s not a secret. Kam even said it. The Hawks play man defense or cover-three with deep thirds. Everyone knows, but it still works. They will jump those routes!”
Don’t: “I don’t understand why the orange team just keeps running the ball.”
Do: “I’m just waiting for Manning to try throwing a fade route to the back of the end zone. This ain’t Omaha! You mad, bro?”
Don’t: “Isn’t it sort of dumb to call them audibles? If they weren’t audible how would the other guys even hear them?”
Do: “Steven Hauschka is the best thing soccer ever did for Seattle.” (Bonus points for dropping in the fact that Hauschka graduated from Middlebury College with a degree in neuroscience.)
Don’t: “I sure hope they don’t ice the kicker.” (Everyone knows icing the kicker doesn’t work.)
Do: “After that wave in the Rams game, Golden Tate has a serious target on his back, especially on returns.”
Don’t: “That’s the maple bar guy, right?”
Do: “The 12th Man is alive and well in the swamps of New Jersey!”
Don’t: “Wait, so who are the other 11?”
Brian Thomas Gallagher: firstname.lastname@example.org