Twelve Days of Christmas, meet the Twelve Months of Chatter.
Some selected monthly meatballs from the sports stew of Sideline Chatter columns in 2013:
She’s no Lady Byng
January: Sophie Laboissonniere — previously voted Miss Congeniality at the Miss Coastal Vancouver beauty pageant — pleaded guilty to rioting after the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals in the B.C. city.
- Oregon mother of missing boy: 'It doesn't get easier with time'
- Widespread Comcast outage reported in Puget Sound
- Seattle cyclist crashes into pedestrian, then stabs him
- Dumping of halibut sparks fight among North Pacific fishing fleets
- Navy's first openly gay SEAL rebuilding his life in Bible Belt
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No wonder she kept dropping her gloves during the evening-gown competition.
Bracing for a blitz
February: Baltimore Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti announced that his team plans to erect a statue of polarizing linebacker Ray Lewis outside M&T Bank Stadium.
Local pigeons can’t wait to put a white suit on it.
Bonus Babies Dept.
March: And from the “Why, Of Course” File came word that Twins catcher Joe Mauer and his wife were expecting … twins.
Guess it’s a good thing Joe didn’t catch the daddy bug when he played in Quad Cities.
No hot corner here
April: The New York Mets and Colorado Rockies played a baseball game in 28-degree weather in Denver on April 18.
How cold was it? All the players wore No. 99 in honor of Wayne Gretzky.
May: New England Patriots QB Tom Brady was $25,000 richer after Orb — sitting in 17th place at the three-quarters pole — roared back to win this year’s Kentucky Derby.
So that makes it three Super Bowl rings, a supermodel wife, a $57 million contract — and now a serendipitous Derby windfall. Just when is this poor guy going to catch a break?
June: The Mariners’ 31st-round pick in this year’s baseball draft? Lefty pitcher Michaelangelo Guzman.
Giddy scouts say Michaelangelo is good at painting the corners and has a really high ceiling.
July: Minnesota Twins closer Glen Perkins recorded two outs in a game before realizing his pants were unzipped.
Guess he’s not a big fan of the infield-fly rule.
August: A zoo in Henan, China, got caught trying to pass off a dog as a lion.
Hey, don’t laugh — Matt Millen got away with it for years in Detroit.
September: Cleveland Indians closer Chris Perez was fined $250 and sentenced to a year’s probation for mailing himself a package of marijuana addressed to his dog.
The pooch, apparently, wasn’t much of a retriever.
Call in the cavalry
October: Oddsmakers installed the high-flying Denver Broncos as a record 27-point favorite over the Jacksonville Jaguars.
To put that in perspective, even Custer got only 25½ at Little Big Horn.
Fighting for equality
November: Another hockey brawl — this one a postgame affair after Bemidji State upset Ohio State 3-2 — resulted in an NCAA-record 303 penalty minutes and 19 game disqualifications.
Still not impressed? It was a WOMEN’S hockey game.
December: Gushed Utah State football coach Matt Wells, in praise of running back Joey DeMartino: “The kid just oozes guts, and sometimes it’s not pretty.”
As an added note, the Aggies boast the only game films rated R for graphic violence. Can 2014 get here quickly enough?
Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or email@example.com