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Sideline Chatter

No need for a slow-motion replay on this one.

Red Sox slugger David Ortiz needed 32.91 seconds to complete a home-run trot Wednesday against Texas — the slowest on record since began tracking them in 2010.


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• At “CBS panicking after their Tiger Woods impersonator shoots 43-over 115 at Masters.”

• At “NFL increasingly worried about character issues of fans.”

Brandon time

The Giants turned a 4-6-3 double play against the Diamondbacks last week — Brandon Hicks to Brandon Crawford to Brandon Belt.

In other words, a triple-Brandon-double.

Yankee Gripper Dept.

That mysterious brown substance spotted on the hand of plus-sized Yankee pitcher Michael Pineda was:

a) dirt

b) pine tar

c) icing from a clubhouse maple bar

Not so fast

Giants QB Eli Manning underwent arthroscopic surgery on his left ankle and doctors say he should be able to run in about six weeks.

Though a cynic might ask: “How will they be able to tell?”

Choke’s on him

Redskins linebacker London Fletcher, in a caption contest for a picture of Tony Romo squatting to analyze a putt next to Tiger Woods, tweeted in this entry: “Why is he taking all this time just to choke?”

As The Washington Post pointed out, Fletcher’s career record in games against Romo: 4-9.

Hunger games

Masters officials told skier Bode Miller and his wife to ditch a quesadilla that they tried to take onto the course from a posh hospitality venue alongside the fifth fairway.

In other words, take a drop, Bode.

Do As I Say Dept.

The NBA fined the Mavericks $25,000 after PA announcer Sean Heath used his Twitter account to criticize league officiating.

Think Mavs owner Mark Cuban managed to keep a straight face when asking Heath, “What the heck were you thinking?”

It’s in the bag

“I’m not saying it got embarrassing for the Edmonton Oilers this season,” wrote RJ Currie of, “but the bags in their gift shop came with eye holes.”

Talko time

• Len Berman of, after Yankee PR types misspelled the name of $156 million acquisition Jacoby Ellsbury during the team’s home opener: “Who was running the scoreboard, John Travolta?”

• Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, after more than 90 cruise-ship passengers came down sick with vomiting and diarrhea off the Southern California coast: “Officials blame either the norovirus or a 2014 Lakers highlight reel.”

Fans on a roll

The start of a soccer game in Belgium was delayed when Standard Liege fans threw hundreds of rolls of toilet paper onto the field.

So what’s next —throwing plungers during stoppage time?

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or

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