Crack open another case of tomato cans!
“The late, great Ken Norton fought Muhammad Ali three times and was also in the ring with Larry Holmes, George Foreman, Jimmy Ellis, Jerry Quarry, Earnie Shavers and Gerry Cooney,” wrote Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun. “Wladimir Klitschko’s last six title defences: Alex Povetkin, Francesco Pianeta, Marius Wach, Tony Thompson, Jean Marc Mormeck and David Haye.
“And you wonder why boxing, aside from the money man, Floyd Mayweather, is all but extinct?”
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• At SportsPickle.com: “Johnny Manziel receives A+ on his sociology research paper “College Sports Celebrity and the American Media.’ ”
• At TheOnion.com: “Jim Schwartz allowed to coach despite exhibiting concussion-like symptoms.”
Low on the hog
A study published in Psychological Science revealed that NFL fans tend to eat more fatty foods when their favorite team disappoints them.
At this rate, local officials fear greater Jacksonville will be out of bacon by November.
Penalty on the play
Brigham Young suspended star linebacker Spencer Hadley for five games — apparently after a fan of rival Utah texted an incriminating photo from a party in Las Vegas.
The PGA Tour, just out of habit, also assessed him a two-stroke penalty.
Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer has been answering letters from parents of 2-year-olds, written on behalf of their potential future as Buckeyes.
“Aw. That’s so cute,” wrote Steve Schrader of the Detroit Free Press. “Until people start asking how they got those ‘Yo Gabba Gabba!’ and ‘Dora the Explorer’ tattoos.”
• Film producer Andrew Fried, to The Dallas Morning News, on the mellowing of Mike Tyson: “He is no longer ‘Iron Mike, the baddest man on the planet.’ He is someone who has lived 10 lifetimes. He should be dead. Now, he is in a different place.”
• Carl Steward of the Oakland Tribune, on the Dodgers’ celebratory dive in the Chase Field pool: “It’s a good thing the Dodgers didn’t clinch the National League West in San Francisco. That water in McCovey Cove is really cold.”
• Greg Cote of The Miami Herald, after the Dodgers and Red Sox became the first to clinch playoff berths: “But that was one day after the Marlins clinched last place in the NL East again. So we did beat ’em at that!”
• Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman, to reporters, after 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick said the Seahawks “get away with a lot of things on defense”: “We got away with three picks, two fumbles, five turnovers. We got away with a 29-3 victory, it looked like.”
Lawn arm of the law
A 55-year-old man was charged with DUI after police in Murrysville, Pa., pulled him over at 1:30 a.m. — while driving a riding mower.
Apparently he just wanted to take a shortcut home.
Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or email@example.com