From the “Do As I Say” file comes this NFL player’s pregame video-board announcement:

“On the field, players have called me overly aggressive. While off the field and on the croquet lawn, I’m quite civilized.

“While at our stadium today, we greatly appreciate you guys being loud and proud for the Dolphins. But please be respectful and civilized, and be sure to follow the fan code of conduct.”

The speaker? Miami guard Richie Incognito — suspended this week for bullying a teammate.

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• At “Chess grandmaster takes on 10 jail inmates blindfolded and wins, still has no idea what happened to his wallet and watch.”

• At “Eagles QB puts up shocking, injury-free performance.”

Shots are falling

UNLV unveiled a statue of controversial basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian outside the Thomas & Mack Center last week.

And across town compliance officers quietly released Dewey, The Official Pigeon of the NCAA.

Hurred in passing

“British scientists are saying King Tut died in a chariot accident,” reported TBS’s Conan O’Brien. “I think he was texting.”

2-6 on grass

Florida Atlantic football coach Carl Pelini and defensive coordinator Pete Rekstis abruptly resigned last week after witnesses claimed they saw them smoking marijuana.

Groundskeepers figured something was amiss when their hashmarks kept disappearing.

X marks the spot

Hackers got into the Miami Dolphin cheerleaders’ website, rerouting visitors to a pornographic website instead.

Or as the tactic is known in online-piracy circles, a naked bootleg.

Talking the talk

• Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, on ex-diva receiver Terrell Owens saying he wants to be a professional bowler: “Finally, a sport where Owens can’t complain he’s not getting the ball enough.”

• CBS’s David Letterman, on ways to make the New York City Marathon more exciting next year: : “Open all the manholes.”

• Eagles QB Nick Foles, when asked if he’d ever thrown seven TD passes before: “In a video game.”

• TNT’s Charles Barkley, on the size of LeBron James’ headband: “So big, Spud Webb could use it as a shower curtain.”

Blow out in Dallas

Monday, in case you missed it, was Dallas receiver Dez Bryant’s 25th birthday.

To no one’s surprise, he ranted the candles out.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or