For the first time ever, the high-profile Celtics, Lakers and Knicks all missed the playoffs this season.

Or as it’s known among NBA accountants, a triple-trouble.

Working on a 1-hitter

Marlins pitcher Brad Hand enters home games to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” blasting from the ballpark loudspeakers.

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Talk about false advertising: Hand has hit only one opposing batter in 922
3 career innings.

Delay of game

Fox Sports’ Joe Buck got married Saturday in Los Cabos, Mexico, with broadcast partners Tim McCarver and Troy Aikman serving as his groomsmen.

The “I do’s” were delayed 15 minutes while McCarver and Aikman analyzed the ring exchange on the overhead telestrator.

Insert hyphen here

In light of the Steve Masiello rèsumè fiasco, should the mentors of student-athletes be henceforth referred to as graduate-coaches?

News quiz

From Steve Schrader of the Detroit Free Press: What has happened during the Red Wings’ streak of 23 straight playoff appearances?

a) They’ve won four Stanley Cups.

b) The Lions have had 16 losing seasons.

c) The Pistons have had 14 coaches.

d) Justin Verlander’s girlfriend was born.

Good excuse

Police at LAX arrested 49ers linebacker Aldon Smith’s for making a bomb threat Sunday.

But now, defense lawyers claim, he was merely experiencing another Russell Wilson-to-Jermaine Kearse flashback.

Talking the talk

• Colts backup QB Matt Hasselbeck, via Twitter, seeing no need for the NFL to drug-test him: “Every time I get tested for steroids reminds me of the elderly lady at the airport that TSA pulls out of line for a pat-down.”

• Steve Schrader of the Detroit Free Press, after the Lions’ Ndamukong Suh and Gregory and Laura Packer finally settled their real-estate lawsuit: “Why does he have so much trouble with Packers?”

• Ex-coach Brian Billick, to USA Today, on the NFL draft: “One thing I know for sure: Need is a terrible evaluator. That’s typically where mistakes are made.”

• Yankee manager Joe Girardi, to, on fans’ unhappiness over Derek Jeter sitting out the series opener against the Red Sox: “I wasn’t hired to put on a farewell tour.”

Cruel & Unusual Dept.

A woman protester threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton in Las Vegas.

In lieu of a police interrogation, she was subjected to a two-hour grilling on “Jon Gruden’s QB Camp.”

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or