This is a fine how-do-you-do — in reverse.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban wants NBA commissioner David Stern — who has docked Cuban 19 times for about $1.8 million for his over-the-top utterances the last 15 years — to ding him one more time before Stern officially retires on Feb. 1, just for sentimental reasons.

“We talk about it all the time,” Cuban told ESPN Dallas. “I’m going to have one final fine before he leaves.”

Said Stern: “I know he is trying, but our muffin-fund coffers are overflowing.”

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Hold your pants on

Rest easy, Seahawk fans: Niners coach Jim Harbaugh puts on his $8 Wal-Mart khakis $4 at a time.

Reading the fine text

Three-fourths of U.S. kids ages 12-15 fail to meet basic fitness guidelines, according to the 2012 National Youth Fitness Survey.

But on the bright side, teen thumbs are in better shape than ever.

Hey, fatter batter

Some clues your favorite baseball player is using steroids, from comedy writer Tim Hunter:

• “Closes stadium roof by himself.

• “Grew a full beard an hour after shaving.

• “Batting average went from .180 to .998.”

The sea in Seahawk

Among this month’s most popular attractions at the Seattle Aquarium: a hermit crab who makes his home inside a tiny Seahawks helmet, named Marshawn Pinch.

What, no Pete Coral?

Talking the talk

• Morton soccer manager Kenny Shiels, to BBC Radio Scotland, on why he’s giving up postgame interviews on doctor’s orders: “If someone asks you a question, you’re emotionally imbalanced at that time and you feel an urge to tell the truth.”

• Jack Finarelli of, on the Dodgers bestowing their ace pitcher a record seven-year, $215 million contract: “Cross Clayton Kershaw’s name off the list of underpaid athletes.”

• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, after Congress passed a $1.1 trillion spending bill: “As a side note, the House will now be known as the Yankees.”

• Brad Rock of Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, after Dutch prostitutes demanded the same tax-free pension fund that pro soccer players get: “Isn’t this where an agent steps in and threatens to have his clients sit out next season?

Between the hash marks

Seattle and Denver — whose states legalized recreational marijuana on Jan. 1 — will host the NFC and AFC title games on Sunday.

Defensive coordinators are bracing for a bevy of second-hand smoke screens.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or