Sideline Chatter

Gentlemen, start your quackers!

“A bill legalizing rubber-duck races in Wisconsin is moving closer to the finishing line,” noted an AP story out of Madison. “The bill comes after the state Justice Department warned the village of Mishicot that its annual rubber-duck race amounts to illegal gambling.”

Hey, don’t laugh: Neighboring Michigan and Minnesota already have such laws on the books.

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Hockey headlines

• Title of the Swift Current (Saskatchewan) Broncos’ Valentine’s Day promotion, featuring merchandise signed by Finnish defenseman Julius Honka: “Honka Honka Burnin’ Love.”

• At “Kurt Russell begs Team USA to win hockey gold so he can maybe get another acting job.”

Real-life Olympics, Part 1

“I have been told there is one actual sport, biathlon, that involves both cross-country skiing and shooting guns,” wrote Greg Cote of the Miami Herald. “That happens to be a very popular sport in Miami, but without the cross-country skiing part.”

Cubs win! Cubs win!

The most startling sight in sports this month would be:

a) an NBA player taking a charge in the All-Star Game.

b) Roger Goodell holding a “Will Commish For Food” sign at a freeway off-ramp.

c) Richard Sherman saying “no comment” into a TV camera.

Real-life Olympics, Part 2

“I thought I was watching four-man bobsled qualifying in Sochi,” wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald. “It turned out to be a carpool in Atlanta.”

Mashmouth football

Here’s one defensive tackle, you figure, who can avoid a chop block: Idaho recruit Max Martial.

Talko time

• Janice Hough of, on Torvill & Dean returning to Sarajevo to recreate their perfect-10 “Bolero” routine from the 1984 Olympics: “The couple still has it, even if they do skate with their left blinkers on.”

• Blogger TC Chong, on why NBC’s Bob Costas didn’t go back to the U.S. for treatment of his conjunctivitis: “The only flights out were red-eyes.”

• TBS’s Conan O’Brien, after Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl: “In his defense, so did the Broncos.”

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on Russian figure skater Evgeni Plushenko withdrawing with a back injury: “As he was coming off the ice, he tripped and fell on the carpet and, out of habit, the Russian judge gave him a perfect score.”

Down & Out in L.A.

The Lakers broke the franchise record with their seventh home loss in a row.

Team publicists can’t decide whether to dub them No-Show Time or Laker Woebegone.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or