Mikhail Prokhorov is getting a ring — one way or the other. "I have said that if the Nets don't win the NBA championship within five...

Mikhail Prokhorov is getting a ring — one way or the other.

“I have said that if the Nets don’t win the NBA championship within five years, I will punish myself by getting married,” the Russian billionaire who owns the NBA team told the New York Post. “We are in year three. So no one is more interested in winning a championship than yours truly.”

And the perfect potential mate is … ?

“Beautiful, smart, sexy and makes a mean bowl of borscht.”

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• At SportsPickle.com: “Lakers offer contracts to Gary Payton and Karl Malone in hopes of getting younger.”

• At TheOnion.com: “Brian Cashman spotted signing players in middle of Giants victory parade.”

No relief in sight

Take me out to the bail game?

The San Francisco Giants were so dominant in the World Series, wrote comedy writer Tim Hunter, “not even the White House could bail Detroit out of this one.”

Score it an ‘E’

Embarrassing moment in the Giants’ victory parade: The Rolls-Royce carrying manager Bruce Bochy had to be pushed by fans to Civic Center Plaza because it ran out of gas.


So did the Reds, Cardinals and Tigers.

Reality 1, Fantasy 0

This swollen knee is no fantasy.

“At the hospital getting an MRI,” tweeted Seahawks receiver Braylon Edwards, “and security tells me (I) hurt his fantasy (team) by not playing yesterday … complete lack of interest in the fact that I was at a hospital. Fantasy football turns some people into jerks lol.”

Talking the talk

• Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, after WWE rassler C M Punk accidentally slugged a spectator: “Ironically, this was the only fan who left the arena thinking that pro wrestling is real.”

• Colorado football coach Jon Embree, to The Denver Post, on critics who are calling his 1-7 Buffaloes the worst in state history: “I think the ’61 Boulder High team was worse than this.”

• Adam Hill of the Las Vegas Review-Journal, on Embree’s wisecrack: “He’s here all week, folks. As for next season, we’re not so sure.”

• Oregon running back Kenjon Barner, to The New York Times, on the ballet class he’s taking: “I was worried I was going to have to wear tights. I’m not a tights guy. But we wear shorts.”

He’s on the hot seat

Edenbridge, a town in southeast England, plans to burn a 30-foot replica of disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong in effigy as part of its annual Guy Fawkes Day celebration.

Adding further insult, safety officials are calling it a chemical fire.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com