Those college recruiters make the darndest promises.

“Well, I ain’t gonna say any names,” blue-chip defensive end Da’Shawn Hand told CBSsports.com, “but one coach told me that since I’m the No. 1 player, I’m gonna get to meet Michael Jackson.

“I said, ‘Isn’t he already dead?’

“The coach goes, ‘Well, all right, you can meet Tito.’

“I was like, all right. OK, I’m done.”

In other words, beat it. Just beat it.

Headlines

• At Fark.com: “That panging around in the cellar you heard was the Astros sweeping Angels in Anaheim.”

• At SportsPickle.com: “Ohio State president apologizes for forgetting to insult Penn State and Rutgers.”

Just wondering

Anyone else have the Diamondbacks pitcher Patrick Corbin in the first-to-win-nine-games pool?

Hey, cheddar, cheddar

Tuesday, in case you missed it, was National Cheese Day.

Which might explain why Felix Hernandez was throwing more fastballs than usual.

He gives 2 percent

Royals backup catcher George Kottaras defeated Rangers reliever Robbie Ross in a cow-milking contest before Sunday’s game.

So what if Kottaras is hitting just .140 with just one homer? He’s certainly proficient on squeeze plays.

Biggest Loser Dept.

The Miami Marlins — off to a 16-42 start — are a threat to break the modern-day MLB record for losses in a season.

Looks like the 1962 New York Mets and a few cases of champagne might be spending late September at Don Shula’s house.

Pass the pacifier

Think Sid the Kid has gotten the reputation as a whiner?

Said a JetBlue pilot, en route to Boston, over the intercom when a baby began acting up: “Is that Sidney Crosby in the back crying?”

Quote marks

• Hall of Fame defensive end Deacon Jones, who died Monday at 74, to the L.A. Times: “The headslap was not my invention, but Rembrandt, of course, did not invent painting.”

• Tennis player Mikhail Youzhny, to AP, on how he lost to 35-year-old Tommy Haas at the French Open: “I give him too many chances (to) play well. That’s why he play well.”

• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, after the reeling Marlins called up veteran utility man Ed Lucas after 10 years in the minors: “I wonder if he could tell the difference.”

Far out

Scientists have discovered a planet 300 light years from earth.

Or roughly the same distance between the Marlins and playoff contention.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com