Sideline Chatter

Who knew that sports miscreants had a Masters Division, too?

Don Ramos — age 80 — of Colorado Springs, Colo., has been banned for two years after testing positive for steroids at the Pan American Masters Weightlifting Championships.

And in New York, a 67-year-old woman has been charged with vandalism for keying a bingo rival’s car.

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Police had no problem winnowing down the latter suspect, noted Ian Hamilton of the Regina (Sask.) Leader-Post, since “the scratches went across, down and diagonally.”


• At “Jadeveon Clowney’s stock plummets after he fails to decapitate anyone.”

• At “NFL to ex-players: Here’s $765M, now go away, we have new players to ruin.”

Courting trouble

Set to appear in Cleveland Municipal Court on Sept. 10: Browns receivers Josh Gordon and Greg Little, for traffic offenses, and Anthony Saveriano, for streaking during the Browns-Lions exhibition game.

“Of the two players and the idiot fan,” wrote Adam Hill of the Las Vegas Review-Journal, “we’re guessing Saveriano will be the only one dumb enough to show up in court wearing a Browns jersey.”

Barney Fife lives!

The Maury County (Tenn.) Sheriff’s Department has reprimanded Lt. Andy Jackson for firing his gun into the air to scare off a turkey defecating on the hood of his patrol car, the Columbia Daily Herald reported.

So consider this your final warning shot, gobblers: Just 12 weeks until Thanksgiving!

Reality 1, Fantasy 0

“You’ve heard of NFL fantasy drafts? I plan to hold an NFL reality draft,” wrote Greg Cote of the Miami Herald. “In my league, you select players and score points based on how often they test positive or get arrested, suspended or fined.”

It’s un-American

“Since 1996, the Dallas Cowboys have won exactly one playoff game and their playoff record is 1-6,” pointed out Jack Finarelli of “Since 1996, the Arizona Cardinals have a playoff record of 5-3.

“America’s Team, anyone?”

Talko time

• Mike Lupica of the New York Daily News, incredulous that Lindsay Lohan beat Alex Rodriguez to an Oprah sitdown: “Maybe the guy has lost more footspeed than we thought.”

• Mark Whicker of the Orange County Register: “How do you feel about energy conservation in Lichtenstein? Good. That’s how I feel about your fantasy football team.”

• Times reader Bill Littlejohn, on 11-year-old Carson Huey-You starting his freshman year at TCU: “ He says the funnest part so far is tutoring the football team.”

• Times reader Charlie Gay, on Johnny Manziel’s delayed debut this season: ”Johnny Come Lately.”

Groom, vroom

James Rosno and Tracy Anderson picked an unusual place to get married — at the Stanton County (Neb.) Fair, during a demolition derby.

Which certainly puts a whole new spin on “crashing the wedding.”

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or