Talk about wincing all the way to the bank. Baseball's three best-paid players this season — the Yankees' Alex Rodriguez and Derek...

Talk about wincing all the way to the bank.

Baseball’s three best-paid players this season — the Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter and the Mets’ Johan Santana — are out with serious injuries, Forbes points out.

And fourth-ranked Joe Mauer, when last seen, was busy covering himself in Bubble Wrap.

Mock headlines

Unlimited Digital Access. $1 for 4 weeks.

• At “Report: Chiefs trade No. 1 overall pick just to ruin all the mock drafts.”

• At “Kim Kiper puts husband’s mock draft up on fridge.”

Call him Buddier

The makers of Bud Light sent Shane Battier 1,100 free cases of the stuff after the Heat forward cited his superstition of drinking only that brand of beer during his team’s 27-game winning streak.

Guess it’s probably too late to mention he also drove the same Lamborghini.

Spell check, please

The Falcons beefed up their defensive line by signing former Giants star Osi Umenyiora.

Everyone in Atlanta went bonkers — except for the unfortunate soul who sews the letters on the back of Falcons jerseys.

Bus 1, Rugger 0

Danny Cipriani, a fly-half on the Sale Sharks rugby team, was left bruised and concussed after he was struck by a bus in Leeds, England — and apparently the effects still linger.

“Thank you for all the well wishes,” he tweeted to his fans. “My ribs are a bit sore. Feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.”

Kick in the teeth

Liverpool forward Luis Suarez bit Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic during a Premier League match, earning himself a 10-game ban.

Or as eye-for-an-eye advocates prefer to call it, a penalty with some teeth in it.

Quote marks

• Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, on allegations that Auburn covered up a number of football players’ failed drug tests in 2010: “You may recall that 2010 was also the year that six Auburn players placed at the Tour de France.”

• Heat forward Shane Battier, to AP, on his beer windfall: “My house isn’t that big to house all that. I’ll have a whole new slew of friends today.”

• NBC’s Jimmy Fallon, on the Kris Humphries-Kim Kardashian divorce getting finalized two weeks before it was scheduled to go to trial: “Even their divorce ended before it really started.”

• CBS’s David Letterman, on the Jets vowing to take the best athlete available in the NFL draft: “It’s the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use.”

Sports quiz

Lions defensive end Ronnell Lewis, Tasered twice by cops responding to a bar fight in Norman, Okla., used his one phone call from the police station to:

a) contact his lawyer.

b) demand a trade to the San Diego Chargers.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or