Would you buy a used car from Josh Gordon?

The Browns’ banished receiver will bide his time off selling cars and doing promotional work for the Sarchione Auto Group in Randolph, Ohio.

Just be sure to ask for The Josh Gordon Special — one full year with no payments.


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• At TheOnion.com: “College football player first in family to meet NCAA academic eligibility requirements.”

• At SportsPickle.com: “Roger Goodell apologizes for all the glitches in this year’s NFL.”

Paging Smoky Burgess

The Yankees will wear a Derek Jeter patch on their jerseys and caps in honor of their retiring captain from Sept. 7 through the end of the season.

Ex-Tigers manager Jim Leyland, caught up in the excitement, offered to put a 2 on his nicotine patch.

Get those cars dialed in

Comcast has signed a 10-year deal to replace Nationwide as the title sponsor for NASCAR’s secondary series.

Apparently they wanted a better postrace reception.

Fantasy, meet reality

Fantasy football in a nutshell, from NBC’s Jimmy Fallon:

“Pro: You never have to worry what you’re going to be doing on Sunday …

“Con: … because you’ll spend the entire day looking at your cellphone.”

Lucky him

“Money doesn’t motivate me, greatness does,” said Texans star J.J. Watt after getting a new $100 million deal. “I’m so fortunate I don’t have to worry about the money, so I can focus on the greatness.”

‘Baywatch’ lives!

Steve Sarkisian’s first game as USC football coach was a 62-13 rout of Fresno State.

“Everyone got in the act,” noted comedian Argus Hamilton. “After the game the players dumped a vat of Gatorade on Sarkisian’s head, and Josh Shaw saved him from drowning.”

Talking the talk

• Tom Cuddy of Boston’s WBZ Radio, after Rob Manfred, Bud Selig’s replacement-in waiting, played in golf’s Deutchebank Championship pro-am: “Wonder if the commissioner’s foursome was penalized for … slow play.”

• Bob Molinaro of the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on why Tiger Woods fired his swing coach: “Because the golfer couldn’t fire himself.”

• Greg Cote of The Miami Herald, on Broncos QB Peyton Manning getting fined for taunting: “That’s like a nun twerking.”

• Patriots QB Tom Brady, 37, to Boston’s WEEI Radio, on how much longer he’ll keep playing: “When I suck, I’ll retire. But I don’t plan on sucking for a long time.”

He’s a late scratch

Now there’s speculation that Bronco star Wes Welker’s four-game drug ban resulted from somebody spiking his drink at the Kentucky Derby.

Which certainly explains why Welker suddenly started running his pass routes with blinkers on.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com