The Wrap, by Ron Judd
Please note: Due to a recent, highly regrettable incident down at Seattle’s Alki Beach, the state Department of Fish, Wildlife and Mystery Meats has announced a slate of emergency Giant Pacific Octopus Hunting Rule Revisions, effective immediately:
• Hunters punching locally treasured pet octopus to death in front of crowds of waterfront diners should refrain from blows below the “belt.”
• All hunting of octopuses using hounds, or baiting with doughnuts and sweets, temporarily suspended.
• Second octopus taken in any given week must be hunted with bow and arrow.
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• Displaying octopus head or other severed body parts on grill of pickup on return drives from hunts strongly discouraged, especially if route home bypasses busloads of small children at Seattle Aquarium.
• Daily bag limit remains one, but for the love of God, don’t use a clear plastic one.
• Housekeeping item: State “shellfish license” required to hunt octopus to be replaced by more specific Indiscriminate Killing of Treasured Aquatic Species punch card.
More proud moments:
(Very) Much Ado About Nothing: After billions of dollars spent and about two years of torture inflicted upon the public, the national election produced essentially no change in the political equation whatsoever. All together now: It’s the greatest system in the world.
Must Seen TV: Did anyone else watch the Karl Rove meltdown on Fox News on election night and suspect, just for a second, you were watching something scripted by Stanley Kubrick?
Say What You Will About Fox: Some producer there was handed a verdict from the network’s own number crunchers about Ohio — and thus the election — going to President Obama and chose, before other networks, to put it promptly on the air. Given the audience in question, that took some stones.
Dumbest Election Night Phrase: “Firewall.”
Second Dumbest: “Reverse coattails.”
Dumbest Election Night “Analyst”: Ari Fleischer — a decade later, still spewing nonsensical talking points. Because that’s all he’s got.
Speaking of Which: Republican leaders reportedly spent much of the week doing some serious soul-searching, which turned up nothing.
Confirmation: The results are in, and it’s clear that the rumors are true: Based on glacial delivery of results, King County Elections is run by same people who produce NBC’s Olympics coverage.
The Buck Stops … Somewhere Else: Sooo classy the way King County elections head Sherril Huff responded to those complaints by sneering at the people who pay her salary: “If people want faster ballot counts, they need to move to Oregon.”
The Week’s Abject Nonsense: Movie reviewers and talk-show hosts are buying into the hype about actor Daniel Day-Lewis “nailing” the “true sound” of the voice of President Abraham Lincoln in the new Steven Spielberg film — despite the fact that no recordings of his voice exist.
And Finally: Quite shocking to see some homes and streets near Mr. Wrap’s hometown of Duvall inundated when a beaver dam gave way. Stupid beavers!
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org