The Wrap by Ron Judd
Stupid is what stupid signs.
It may well qualify as the new state motto, particularly in light of the latest attempted electoral carjacking by Gov. non-elect Tim Eyman, the mole in the lawn of enlightened governance.
Eyman, showing off the sort of political insight that makes him a ballot-box loser of Dino Rossi proportions, has managed to ferret out Washington state’s most pressing civic need: making parking lots safer for even more of those clipboard-toting paid-signature jackals following you to your car at QFC.
Eyman’s latest initiative would open the floodgates to even more of them — and, by extension, boost his own income — by establishing penalties for “harassment” of signature hustlers. It also would extend the timeline to collect signatures from six months to a full year, ensuring that virtually all vital government decisions henceforth are made by citizens with 75 pounds of melting frozen goods in hand, just as the state constitution framers intended.
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Clear out a warm spot in your heart for this one: It’s Initiative 517, the Create-A-Permanent-Revenue-Stream-for-Initiative-Clown-Tim Eyman Act.
More rejected reality-show ideas:
Cash on the Barrel Head: Interesting bet on Sunday’s NFL playoff game between the mayors of Seattle and Washington, D.C. If the Redskins win, Mayor McSchwinn has to fly a Washington, D.C., flag over Seattle City Hall for a day. If the Seahawks win, D.C. Mayor Vincent Gray has to publicly embarrass himself by announcing a preposterous plan to compensate District of Columbia employees for any perceived inequities in the federal tax code.
High Times: A California company has offered to help the state of Washington set up vending machines to dispense pot. Yeah; like we’re going to stand by and watch them put all our junior-high neighbor kids out of work.
Calling in the Stunt Barista: Nice to see actor Patrick Dempsey win the bankruptcy auction for Tully’s Coffee. He reportedly beat out other notable fake Seattle residents including Howard Schultz, radio-talk therapist Dr. Frasier Crane and Jeremy Bolt, the Bobby Sherman character in “Here Come the Brides.”
Speaking of Extra Foam: No mystery why Dempsey, of “Grey’s Anatomy,” would be looking for a financial Plan B. He’s probably seen the show recently.
Ahem, NFL Dope Testers: Couldn’t help notice, in the papers about the botched Richard Sherman urinalysis, that the Seahawk cornerback was given at least a day’s notice before his doping test. If that’s standard operating procedure and you’re even modestly serious about dope testing, perhaps you should peruse the Lance Armstrong documents.
All Hail Genius Washington Taxpayers: Four of the earth’s 10 richest tech billionaires live in the Seattle area, now with a net worth of around $115 billion, according to Bloomberg News rankings. And that’s just the tip of the local 1-percenter iceberg. Keep holding that line on any form of an egregious income tax, folks — and please deposit another 30 bucks in the kitty next time you park your butt on an ancient, disintegrating state-park picnic table.
And Finally: We regret to inform our green-thumbed friends at Shell Oil that, when it comes to dangerous drilling operations in one of the world’s least-wrecked places up north, it’s two strikes and you’re out.
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org