The Wrap by Ron Judd
As a young boy growing up in Duvall, Mr. Wrap had a dream.
Namely: To one day write a column that irked so many rich people, they would pay him to stop.
Happily, that day is finally here. Thanks to several generous offers from local luminaries, I’ll be dumping The Wrap and taking on new challenges and exciting opportunities, starting this week:
Mondays and Tuesdays, I’ll be working for the American Center for Freedom Through Exploitation, a third-world-labor think tank financed by Nike, Apple and other progressive workplace champions.
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Wednesdays and Thursdays, I’ll be helping altruistic, civic-minded, good-looking, uncommonly generous financier Chris Hansen enlighten sports-hating locals about the intrinsic civic value of Ponzi-scheme professional sports franchises.
Fridays: What else? (Motor-assisted) Bike to Work day with Seattle mayor and civic legend Mike McGinn.
Best of all, it leaves weekends free to pore over “425” Magazine, as well as those cherished rounds of golf and fireside scotch with former Sen. Slade Gorton.
Nice knowing y’all.
More April Foolery:
Someone throw the guy a lifeline: Based on celeb attorney John Henry Browne’s recent representations of his near-pauper status to national newspapers, we expect to see him any day at the Mercer Street offramp holding a cardboard sign: “Ted Bundy defense team vet. Anything helps. God Bless!”
Attention, Port of Seattle: In case something was lost in translation, the message about your reluctance to allow something as pedestrian as a (gasp) McDonald’s to sully the hallowed grounds of the food court at Sea-Tac Airport was pretty clear: Yes, the public would like fries with that.
Tallest midget contest comes to head: With the giddy enthusiasm usually displayed by prisoners choosing lethal injection over hanging, more and more GOP luminaries have begun endorsing Mitt Romney for president.
Meanwhile, in the stratosphere: Looks like the Sheraton Seattle is hosting “Cloud Fair 2012″ in a couple weeks. Wait — is this something hosted by the mayor’s office?
Tip ‘o the cap: To the N.Y. Post headline writer who crafted the page-one classic about the crazed JetBlue pilot: “This Is Your Captain Freaking.”
News flash: To vegans freaking out about ground-up bugs in a dye found in Starbucks Frappuccinos: You do know there are ground-up bugs in nearly everything you eat, right?
What lies beneath: Amazon tribal chief Jeff Bezos is trying to raise from the floor of the Atlantic a couple of the massive rocket engines that powered Apollo 11 to the moon — with one perhaps being hauled to Seattle’s Museum of Flight. Man, hope he’s getting Prime Shipping on that thing.
Come to think of it: It was a big week for rich-guy derring-do, with Bezos’ announcement coming on the heels of movie mogul James Cameron’s plunge to the bottom of the Mariana Trench in a custom submarine. Not to be outdone, Paul Allen announced that at 5 p.m. Tuesday, he will drive in the Interstate 5 carpool lane from Northgate to Shoreline all by himself.
And finally: Nice to see gubernatorial candidate Jay Inslee, D-Happy Trees, offering up quaint little art sketches to campaign contributors. Word is that for an extra 50 bucks, he’ll come to your place with a spray can and tag your neighbor’s garage.
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org