The Wrap by Ron Judd
The finish line, finally, is in sight.
After an exhaustive, months-long Obscure-Apalooza tour by the major candidates, Campaign 2012 is mercifully winding down.
Next thing you know, TV ad time will be surrendered back to Michelob and the Cialis twin outdoor bathtubs, as God intended, and squeaky tight races for president and governor will have been decided, in the uniquely American way, by a handful of people in Ohio and Cosmopolis who think Uzbekistan is a carpet brand.
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The presidential election between President Obama, D-Standup, and Willard “Mitt” Romney, R-Obamacare, will come down to the final musings on this year’s favored topic — rape — by some dumber-than-a-post senatorial candidate in the Midwest.
And the race for governor between Jay Inslee, D-Gore-Tex, and Rob McKenna, R-Seattle Times, will be decided in several weeks by a coin tossed by KING-5’s Robert Mak.
We could do worse. And we have.
More sighs of relief:
Speaking of Endorsements: Republican former Secretary of State Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama, saying he is the candidate most likely to locate and destroy those supersecret mobile chemical-weapons laboratories in Iraq.
Next, Please: Sez here that the Seattle Mariners have hired a hitting coach. Is this a new position?
This Week’s Lord-of-the-Idiots Award: Donald Trump appears on David Letterman, shills for Romney, highlighting his tough talk on trade with China, then proceeds to pimp new Trump-brand neckties — pointed out by Letterman to be made in China.
Fly, Fly Away: It definitely got our attention the other day when the city of Seattle announced a news conference to unveil the city’s drone. Insert your own Mike McGinn joke here.
Really, Really Sorry, Charlie: Looks like some Pacific tuna soaked up some of that radioactive discharge from the Fukushima nuclear plant in Japan. Local diner owners are advised to simply adjust their daily specials board to read: “Tuna Meltdown.”
Good Riddance Dept.: As expected, thuggish NBA Commissioner David Stern is retiring. He said he wants to spend more time extorting his family.
Speaking of Weasels: Stern generously agreed to stay on for two more years, giving the league’s search committee ample time to turn over enough slimy rocks to make sure they’ve found the best available lying, extortionist replacement.
Cinemania: Sorry, but Mr. Wrap is having a hard time buying Daniel Day Lewis as Abraham Lincoln in that new Spielberg nonaction flick. The way he keeps freeing the slaves and stuff using only his left foot is frankly distracting.
Shake, Rattle and Droll: In a stunning decision, an Italian court last week placed full blame for a number of deaths and millions of dollars in damage from a 2009 earthquake on highly suspicious Seattle college student Amanda Knox.
Speaking of Which: Can there be any remaining doubt that the Italian legal system is managed by the same people who produce the Jerry Springer Show?
And Finally: People in charge of utilities at the U-Dub are experimenting with a new electrical “Smart Grid.” Would someone please plug Steve Sarkisian into it?
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org