Of the several million words flowing from media, social and otherwise, in the wake of U-Dub football coach Steve “So-So” Sarkisian’s first-class-lavatory change of clothing from off-purple to cardinal and gold, those spoken by senior quarterback Keith Price should live in overpaid-coaching infamy:
“At the end of the day, his family gotta eat.”
Yes. Yes it does.
So, as a lovely parting gift, Mr. Wrap would like to help the Sarks transition from the present, $3 million-a-year lunchbox lifestyle to the ($6 mil? $8 mil? Who’s counting??) full-meal deal in L.A.
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Providence Cicero, The Times’ restaurant critic, notes that Sark can now upgrade from that humble, tasty sushi at Seattle’s Shiro’s to Hiro’s of Beverly Hills, where Hiro Urasawa’s restaurant, Urasawa, has a 30-course menu for $425.
And to take the sting out of those inevitable future spankings by the Chris-Petersen-led Montlake Dawgs, the Sark clan may now upgrade from ordinary Wagyu beef at Seattle’s Met Grill to the 100 percent Japanese Kobe beef (Miyazaki Prefecture, of course) rib-eye at CUT by Wolfgang Puck in the Beverly Wilshire Hotel (8 ounces, $155.)
Bon appétit, Captain Limelight! Don’t forget to tip the waiters.
More money grubbery:
Sharing the Wealth: Great news, the hiring of Boise State wonder coach Petersen. If he’s all he’s cracked up to be, it should generate even more obscene amounts of revenue — to finance even more tuition waivers for deserving nonathlete students, as proposed in our (quite publicly popular) 10-percent-for-academics plan.
Seriously, Though: Here’s why Mr. Wrap approves of the Petersen hiring: In a Times photo of Petersen and Sarkisian at last year’s Nacho Cheez Whiz Bowl, the Boise State coach is wearing what appears to be a plastic wristwatch. You know, like a normal person.
Meanwhile, On Planet Rolex:
It appears that among the demands made by Boeing, formerly of Seattle, to bring its 777X line to another state is 300-400 acres of manufacturing-plant real estate, as well as a massive, modern production facility — all for free. Funny, we can’t seem to locate that chapter in our American Private Enterprise handbook.
Makes You Wonder: Would Boeing like those genuflecting local politicians to just go ahead and assemble the airplanes for them, while they’re at it? Nobody wants the Lazy B’s board of directors to be distracted from the critical mission of amassing the sort of wealth that keeps them in diamond-encrusted thumb drives.
EXCLUSIVE, ONLY ON KING 5: Shifty hedge-fund manager and NBA privateer wannabe Chris Hansen blows his nose, drinks from a glass of water, watches TV, and engages in all sorts of other fascinating activities.
Speaking of Gas-Baggery: Mr. Wrap declares right here for the record his intention to shoot down on sight any and all Amazon Drones that might violate his future personal air space. (Unless they can figure out a way to slip a Milk-Bone to resident Labrador recliner Cooper, like the friendly UPS guy does.)
And Finally: Holy cow, this reported signing of slugger Robinson Cano by the hapless Mariners. A few words of advice for anyone investing more than $200 million in a baseball slugger: Ironclad PED clause.
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org or 206-464-8280.