The Wrap by Ron Judd
Ah, the most wonderful time of the year: The lights, the carols, the holly and the ivy. And the post-Thanksgiving flood of delusional Americans rushing to buy high-powered weaponry before the United Nations takes over the country.
Nothing says peace on earth like a gaily wrapped assault rifle under the tree. And nothing says grotesque consumerism like the idiotic new convention, warmly embraced by media, of assigning an additional title to every day of the Official National Shopping Week after Thanksgiving.
Black Friday. Small-business Saturday. Cyber Monday. Giving Tuesday. Apparently negotiations are ongoing for the naming rights for Wednesday.
We humbly suggest one for the rest of us: Gag-Reflex Sunday.
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More seasonal semantics:
Clear-Cut Questionable: So an 80-foot Norway spruce from New Jersey survives Superstorm Sandy, and what thanks does it get? Sawed down, strung with lights and put on display at New York City’s Rockefeller Center. Thanks for nothing, Big Apple.
One Pill Makes You Stronger, One Pill Makes You Dumb: Such great sport, watching Seahawks cornerbacks Richard Sherman and Brandon Browner flounder with lame excuses for testing positive for Adderall, a banned stimulant used to treat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Ask yourself this: When was the last time a fairy tale offered up by an athlete busted for doping actually turned out to be true?
Now That They Mention It: The presence of ADHD actually would shed a lot of light on the Seahawks defensive performance at the end of that Miami game.
The Week’s Sgt. Schultz I-Know-NOTHING Award Winner: Seahawks coach Pete “One Step Ahead of the Law” Carroll, who, citing an NFL policy forbidding discussion of doping cases, said to reporters about his latest accused players: “That’s between the players and the league.”
Question for Paul Allen: We get that teams aren’t supposed to talk about drug cases while they’re being adjudicated. But does the league also prohibit a coach or team spokesman simply stating that the franchise has zero tolerance for performance-enhancing drugs?
This Just In: The Pac-12 Networks, which now runs the University of Washington, has announced that, due to the gridiron unspectacular in Pullman, the start time for next year’s Apple Cup has been moved to 3:30 a.m. to expose it to as few innocent victims as possible.
Good News: Canadian politicians have beaten back a proposal to delay secondary sewage treatment for Victoria, keeping on track a plan to cease dumping untreated waste into the Strait of Juan de Fuca by 2018.
Bad News: Sadly, the crusading costumed Victoria secondary-treatment mascot known as “Mr. Floatie” will continue to collect unemployment benefits, and the 2019 Port Angeles Brown Trout Derby is now in serious doubt.
And Finally: Quite the story about the mom who gave birth to a baby girl on a Washington state ferry the other day — especially the part about the state considering legal action because the parents did not follow tradition by giving their daughter Lucy an obscure, unpronounceable name.
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org