One week ago (one year ago, Beijing time), we boiled down every relevant happening in the first week of the Summer Olympics into one tidy...
One week ago (one year ago, Beijing time), we boiled down every relevant happening in the first week of the Summer Olympics into one tidy package.
Yes, it was sort of like watching NBC, but with the significant advantage of not having to listen to Al Trautwig.
By popular (albeit mild) demand, we pick up today where we left off and look at the Olympics’ second half:
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American swimmer Michael Phelps wins his historic eighth gold medal at the Water Cube, then immediately signs a lucrative sponsorship deal with Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes.
China sends two old ladies who protested the Olympics’ swallowing up of their homes to labor camp. In a swift and firm response, IOC president Jacques Rogge goes sailing.
Constantina Tomescu-Dita, a 38-year-old Romanian mother, wins the grueling marathon in stifling heat in a time of 2 hours, 26 minutes, 44 seconds. America, watching yet another televised tribute to heroic 41-year-old mother Dara Torres, who swims for 24 seconds across warm water in between professional massages, fails to notice.
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt wins the 100 meters, breaking the world record as he runs into a gale-force headwind despite the fact that he begins dancing the “Hokey Pokey” at the 10-meter mark.
A trio of Jamaican women, running backward and playing “Ode to Joy” on flutes, sweeps the 100-meter dash.
Michael Phelps signs lucrative endorsement contract with Cheetos.
China arrests and detains the IOC’s Rogge, who issues a statement praising his captors for their “orderly and efficient” cuffing and incarceration techniques.
Famed Chinese hurdler Liu Xiang withdraws from the Olympics after his Achilles tendon is crushed by the combined weight of the expectations of 1.3 billion people.
Phelps signs lucrative endorsement contract with Hostess Ho-Hos.
Chinese tanks roll into the Athletes Village. Rogge praises their environmentally sound hybrid technology.
American gymnast Nastia Liukin, 18, and Chinese gymnast He Kexin, 4, post identical scores in the uneven bars. To break the tie, the gold medal is awarded to Canadian figure skaters Jamie Sale and David Pelletier.
Phelps is named national spokesman for the United States Pork Rind Foundation.
America’s ultra-compact, ultra-cute Shawn Johnson, competing on the balance beam, wins the gold medal, which, when she puts it on, causes her to immediately topple off.
China, angered by increased suspicion that some of its gymnasts are below the legal age of 16, says it will provide further birth documentation to IOC officials as soon as the girls bring it back from show-and-tell.
Phelps is named Man of the Year by the International Lard Council.
China invades Rogge’s home nation of Belgium, imprisons his wife and children. An angry Rogge orders dessert.
Usain Bolt, running with his legs cast in concrete, sets a world record in the 200 meters.
American sprinters, competing in relay events, drop their batons in both men’s and women’s races. Sprinter Lauryn Williams explains to reporters that “the stick had a mind of its own.”
Striking a historic blow for adults who love to ride tiny, Shriners-parade bicycles over dirt jumps, three Americans medal in the new sport of BMX racing.
Phelps wins the modern pentathlon, and promptly announces that he and his coach, Bob Bowman, are purchasing a controlling interest in Krispy Kreme.
China installs a leather collar, leash and muzzle on Rogge, who pantomimes to reporters that he remains “thrilled” with the Beijing Games.
After attempting to bestow the honor on six U.S. track athletes, each of whom inexplicably let the pole slip through their fingers, the U.S. names a female archer as the flag bearer for the closing ceremony.
Goalie Hope Solo shuts out Brazil and helps the U.S. women’s soccer team defend its gold medal, but still is not allowed to eat with the rest of the team until she says she is really, really, super-duper sorry for getting unjustly benched during last year’s World Cup.
Blood tests of the entire Jamaican sprint team show suspiciously high levels of reggae.
Phelps makes the cover of August issue of Transfat Livin’ magazine.
Chinese officials burn an Olympic flag in Tiananmen Square. Rogge notes that the organization has “many, many more.”
With Michael Phelps starting at center in place of weary, 89-year-old center Lisa Leslie, the U.S. women’s basketball team puts the sword to Australia to win the gold medal.
Many, many large German men in very skinny boats win medals in singles canoeing.
Phelps signs lucrative endorsement deal with Lipitor.
The Chinese, utilizing time travel, erase Rogge’s presence on earth. The guy who winds up as IOC president instead declares the Beijing Games the “greatest ever.”