My New Year's resolution is to watch less TV. Really. And since I'm the type of person who always keeps my resolutions — starting...
My New Year’s resolution is to watch less TV. Really. And since I’m the type of person who always keeps my resolutions — starting this year — this is my last TV Addict column. The television … has won.
My sister complains it’s not fair that I’m the only member of our family who doesn’t need glasses. (My non-TV watching family, I might add. Our parents were the kind who encouraged us to read more.) “That’s the first thing they ask at the eye doctor,” she informed me. ” ‘How many hours do you spend in front of the TV or computer?’ ” I panicked and promptly resolved to quit now before I go blind.
So my next adventure in newspaper column-ing will get me off the couch and out on the town. Find me on Sundays starting Jan. 21, when the Northwest Life section unveils its new look. (I love makeovers!) I’ll be taking a girl-about-town approach to local life, fashion and social events, with the occasional celebrity Q&A. Rest assured, when Tim Gunn returns to Seattle this spring to promote his book, I will track him down.
In honor of awards season being just around the corner, I would like to recognize some of the D-List celebrities and the moments that made three years of writing about reality television sooo worth it.
Favorite Blonde: Tara Reid, “Taradise”
The original boozy Tara — Tara Conner can’t compete! — may have cleaned up her act recently, but we loved her best when she went Wild on E! Her visit to Aphrodite’s Rock in Cyprus was classic: “This is cool because I will be the … what do you call it? The, when you — the tester. When you’re like, you try it. The gerbil? Not gerbil … what is it called? The guinea pig. Yeah, I’ll be the guinea pig on all the fun beauty things … and of God and stuff.” In related news, Tara later makes a reference to being on the “Alcohol Diet.”
Favorite Blonde, Part 2: Sarah W. from “The Bachelor”
Sarah gives a tearful concession speech after being dumped by Charlie O’Connell: “Like, people hate me because I’m beautiful, you know, like, like, that is like a real thing, and it is a curse as well as it is a blessing to be pretty. … When it comes down to it, like, that’s why, you know, this didn’t work out, you know? Because, like, if I would have just been a little bit uglier and a little less noticeable … ” To quote Romy and Michele: “You look so good with blond hair and black roots, it’s like not even funny.”
Favorite Train Wreck: Paula Abdul, “American Idol”
Paula & Co. didn’t think much of the Seattle talent — “astoundingly awful” — when “Idol” auditions came to town last fall. But then again, consider the source: Abdul has said that she suffers from a physical disorder called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. For this she is on prescription pain medication, which may or may not explain her increasing ineptitude at judging singing competitions: “I’m proud of you” is not actually constructive criticism.
Favorite Reality Show Couple: Whitney and Bobby
Bittersweet memories, that is all I’m taking with me. Some favorites: “I am not doing this with you today.” “Ri-i-ide! Ride like the wind! Ri-i-ide like the wind!” “Ya’ll playin. Ya’ll playin. Ya’ll playin.” Sigh. I will always love you, “Being Bobby Brown.”
Favorite Tyra Banks Moment: The Tiffany meltdown
“Be quiet, Tiffany! Be quiet! Stop it! I have never in my life yelled at a girl like this! When my mother yells like this it’s because she loves me. I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! How dare you!” Emmy voters, your tapes are in the mail.
Favorite Girl After My Own Heart: Kathy Griffin, “My Life on the D-List”
Kathy gets a red-carpet gig at the Grammys for E! “I was going to try to lose 10 pounds in five days, but then I saw these mini-tacos at the grocery store.”
Best Catchphrase: Tim Gunn, “Project Runway”
“Make it work.” “Where’s Andrae?” “DON’T. BORE. NINA.” ‘Nuff said.
Worst Catchphrase: Martha Stewart, “The Apprentice”
After months of hype, Martha Stewart announced her version of “You’re fired”: “You just don’t fit in.” Personally, I was hoping for the more pop-culture friendly “Hell to the no!” In fact, I’d like to see Nina Garcia adopt that as her new catchphrase: “Sloppy hemlines? Hell to the no!“
Best Truth in Advertising: Hef’s girlfriends, “The Girls Next Door”
Kendra: “You look cute! Do you have boob glue on? You don’t? I do.” Turns out conversation in the Playboy Mansion is as scintillating as one would dare hope.
Best Sport: Matt Hasselbeck, “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”
The Seahawks quarterback admitted that the feel-good reality series frequently moves him to tears. A year later, Hasselbeck, Shaun Alexander and Lofa Tatupu appeared on the show as part of a surprise for a football-loving family from North Pole, Alaska, which, incidentally, is a real place. “Santa Claus doesn’t really live there. Not in Alaska,” Hasselbeck said, then clarified: “He lives at the actual North Pole, where Mrs. Claus lives.” Phew. For a minute there, I thought Matt Hasselbeck was trying to steal Christmas.
Favorite Roommate: Svetlana, “The Real World”
Everyone hates on Svetlana. But honestly, what’s not to like about a girl who sits drunk in the kitchen, wearing a bikini and giant hoop earrings, eating ice cream and pie, and whining about her boyfriend? In my house we call that “Friday night.”
Best Dialogue: The cast of “Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County”
The girls discuss prom, the morning after. Jessica: “Did you see Casey’s dress?” Kristin: “That girl’s ridiculous, you guys. She looks like a cheap hooker.” Alex H.: “How she puts makeup on, like, that’s like Mission Viejo or, like, inland Orange County, not, like, Laguna Beach.” By the way, these girls were a close second in the “Girl After My Own Heart” category.
Favorite Quote from “The Amazing Race”: “Oh, now I’m in the numb stage, so it doesn’t even hurt.”
This pretty much sums up my entire relationship with reality TV. Thank you and good night!
Pamela Sitt: 206-464-2376 or email@example.com